WHAT BLOCKS US FROM ESPRESSING FEELINGS

1.       I have feelings but it’s too weak or trivial to mention. Underling this is the Assumption: That only strong feelings count. It’s often the case, though, that a weak or unimportant feeling is the tip of an iceberg which, if followed down to deeper levels, will lead to such stronger feelings that have been submerged.

2.       I have feelings, but it’s not about anyone or anything. The Assumption: Is that feelings have no reality in themselves but must refer to something. However, feelings are things in themselves and as such are important whether they are about anything or not.

3.       I have feelings, but it’s irrational, unjustified and /or inappropriate. Assumption: Only rational Justified or appropriate feelings are thought to be important.  But rationality has little to do with feelings.  In addition, feelings are feelings. Whether justified or unjustified, appropriate or inappropriate, whatever those terms might mean. All feelings are legitimate material to work with.

4.       I can’t have any feelings unless someone is doing something to make me have them. The Assumption: here is that somebody must say something to me or do something for me to have a reaction.  But it’s simply not true.  People have feelings about each other just through being in the same room together.

5.       I have a feeling, but it’s so negative and destructive. The Assumption: Only positive and constructive feelings should be expressed, but the so-called negative ones are important too.

6.       I have a feeling, but it’s vague and half-baked Assumption: only clear and intense feelings count. But those vague and incomplete feelings, when expressed, will lead to more clear and intense ones.

7.       If I express feelings, nobody will express feelings in return.  Assumption: feelings are like commodities, to be exchanged for feelings from other people. But feelings can be expressed purely for self-exploration, with no expectation of getting something back.

8.       If I express what I’M feeling, other people will dislike me, criticize me, and attack me. Assumption: I must avoid other’s disapproval by withholding parts of myself. But maybe I can learn ways of expressing feelings that are easier for others to deal with. And maybe I can learn how to be more comfortable in the face of disapproval.

9.       If I express what I’M feeling, I’ll hurt someone’s feelings. Assumption: I’M responsible for the way other people feel. But maybe I’M not.

10.   It won’t do any good to express my feelings. e.g.”Why should I express my anger at Joe or Sally, they won’t change.” Assumption: The only value of expressing feelings is in influencing other’s behavior. But even though I may have no effect on other People, if I express my feelings, I may find out something important about myself.

11.   If I express my feelings, No One will understand or care. Assumption: that I have a claim to understanding or caring (on the part of others) when I express feelings. But maybe I can express feelings for myself, not to get something in return.

12.   People should already know what I feel. Assumption: how can they know how I feel if I don’t tell them? At best, mind reading is very difficult, even if you know someone.